July, 2012

Shy

Saturday, July 7th, 2012

http://members.optusnet.com.au/pennywyatt/Interests/FlandersSwann/Other/Other03.html

I got sent this last night.  Flanders and Swan are funny, but it did make me think.

I don’t make small talk, I’m not keen on large gatherings, (I prefer people in very small groups), new people scare me.  I’m shy.

Conversely, I like giving lectures and getting my students to interact, (I’m good at that), I like telling stories, I like running roleplay and letting my imagination run wild, and I wear skirts, even though, externally, I’m a man.  (Read this, skirts, it will piss you off or you will agree with it, I think).

Sometimes my words are on auto-pilot, because I don’t make small talk, I know damn well that I will ask people how they are more than once if they seem to expect me to say something and I have nothing to say, or if I feel they have not negotiated greetings properly, or if they have not given of themselves sufficiently for my inner dialogue to be satisfied.

I parenthesise a lot, because I have a pronounced stutter, if you know me, have you ever spotted it without being told?  You’re telling yourself you have right now I bet.  Be honest

All  conversations are circular to me, and none of my parenthetical remarks are irrelevant, I do not make, despite what you might think, non-sequiteurs, you are simply lagging behind the thread.  If you deliberately interrupt the flow of my thoughts, (not the same as interrupting the words, it’s a conversation after all), then you will have derailed me.  I know that people play this game, it’s not funny, it’s never been funny, it’s frustrating and annoying, it’s exactly the same as finishing sentences for someone with a pronounced stutter.  It’s hateful.  I have given up speaking to people who have played this “game”.  I cannot speak to them, they are not listening or participating in a conversation, they are waiting to derail me.  My inner voice knows when they are doing it, but I rarely listen to it, because if I did I would simply stop speaking, right there and then and leave.  I have done it once or twice, and people thought I was rude, and promptly entered self justification mode, (and in one case angry, aggressive and violent mode), when I left.

Conversations are circular and have an end.  You cannot rush me, or I will lose my thread.

People make me nervous, I don’t make small talk.  I like knowing who people are, I ask penetrating questions.

I’m open, people think I’m wide open, I’m not, I’m closed.  I realise that this is a dichotomy, live with it.

I’m a man, but I don’t feel like it, I feel like a girl inside, so people like Maggie Koerth-Baker, a good and brave woman, made me cry and cry because she had to make hard choices.

I’m shy, really shy, I would sometimes like to get to know someone other than my partner, (who is not at all possessive), intimately, deeply, physically, genuinely; but I am shy and when the opportunity has occasionally presented itself, I have demurred; sharing that, my body, my mind, it’s so personal, I’d be so vulnerable, so exposed.  And I don’t want to feel that I’m doing wrong by anyone, and society pressures us that being married and being faithful is the be all and end all of relationships, even though I know that is BullShit, because people go outside of that model of relationships A LOT, even when the face they put on to the world is otherwise.  I’m often berated or judged because I do not lie about these things.  I view the world as highly hypocritical because of this.

While I’m on this, what is wrong with people?  Sex is so much more than just putting the penis in the vagina (or where-ever) and wiggling it all about.  SO MUCH MORE, have you all lost the plot.  What about intellectual engagement, talking, playing, thinking, negotiating, and laughing?  That is why I’m always appalled at sex talk, I expect sex to involve a couple of hours at least, the very least.  Anything else is a just a stress relieving wank with your partner.  Legitimate, but not what I would call sex.

Anyway, because I know she will read this, I have a lovely time with my partner.

__________

Boys and Girls, well, Men and Women.

I like talking to women better than men, generally, it harder to get men to open up, generally.

A lot of my men friends won’t see this at all.  That is because they are open, able to be honest, non-homophobic, non-nervous, chaps who are confident about themselves in conversation, as befits the role-playing, lecturing, teaching crowd I hang out with…

(The pub we RP is also good actually, a few Council worker types hang  out there and just accept us all, so our culture is spreading).

I like talking to women because I can talk about feelings and emotions readily, it enables to me to analyse and understand the human condition and me.  I do understanding only by analysis and experience, I have no innate talent for it, just some very good tools.  Also I can see you thinking.

___________

I’m shy.

In order to be amongst people I pump myself up, mentally, internally, and lose some of my hyper-self-consciousness, the thing that would otherwise cripple me because I am too self aware.  I know people are going to say stupid, unaware, hurtful things to me because they think they are funny or because “He can take it, or he wouldn’t [wear skirts/lecture/be loud right now/tell that joke/do that thing — choose whatever the excuse for insensitivity/crassness is on this occasion]”

I have to prepare, I have to be ready to be amongst people, be mentally armoured, because out there it’s a dangerous world, and without my armour I might come back injured, again.